A Sibling Scorned

I vividly remember looking for smoke to come out of my son’s ears in the weeks after we returned home with our daughter from China. My normally sweet natured, easy going seven year old had suddenly turned into a mouthy, unbearable child. Quite simply he was angry. He was not acting out in a deliberately unkind manner toward his sister, but he was acting out toward me. Me, the mother who stayed home over seven years, soothed countless ear aches, had my son in gales of laughter on a daily basis, and did anything I could to help him grow into a well adjusted child.

Could I have predicted this might happen prior to coming home? Yes, however I somehow thought he might instantly look at his sister’s angelic little face and the rest would fall into place. The storm took a few weeks to brew. When the novelty wore off, I began noticing not so subtle clues.

He was acting out to get my attention. What was most interesting is that he never acted out toward his sister. Quite the contrary, he was the first person in our house to get a genuine belly laugh out of his sister. He also made sweet gestures. Her first weekend home, he constructed a crown for his sister, because he simply though she might like to feel like a princess.

Because I am not a child psychologist, the best wisdom I can impart is to give it time. Our son needed to find normalcy and gain security in our new family. He needed to see our family dynamic play out over time. Once he was secure in having an addition family member, the behavior began to wane. Yes, traditional means like doing a favorite activity worked, but he needed to become grounded in this new atmosphere.

Occasionally, when something happens that draws attention to his sister, he will begin acting out. When his sister went to the hospital and had a cast or over her birthday, we saw the old behaviors resurface. The difference between when we came home and now is that I can predict when this behavior will occur and now his behavior is what can typically be expected when there are two siblings in the home.

Subtle things helped to ease the transition. I stopped trying to squelch my son’s anger. Instead, I admitted that my life had changed too, and there were times I felt frustrated. We all know as adoptive parents of the many stressors upon returning home. Maintaining our original routine, prior to travel, also helped my son to feel a sense of security. Our daughter began falling into this schedule after a few weeks.

Open communication has always been the backbone of our house, so frank conversations took place about our feelings. After an appropriate amount of time had passed, I sat him down. I asked if he knew what I felt like when a friend at school hurt his feelings. When he concurred that he did, I asked if he understood he was making me feel the same way.

Obviously, no child or family is the same however for my family, consistently putting these small steps into practice made a huge difference in the behavior of our son.